Three Wise Men

Michael Henderson

Read on for E.W. Swanton’s unexpected verdict on Alvin Stardust

In February 1974, when the three-day week had reduced the kingdom to a realm of misery, and Ted Heath’s government was about to drown in a vat of tears, Marylebone Cricket Club staged a remarkable event. The hundred or so members invited to ‘an evening of music and memories’ were sworn to secrecy but, wearing my investigative reporter’s hat, I can now reveal (‘exclusively’) what happened in the Long Room on that frosty night.

The Master of Ceremonies was Alan ‘Fluff’ Freeman, the fruity Australian disc jockey best-known for presenting Pick of the Pops. His traditional welcome, ‘greetings, pop-pickers!’ has gone down in British folklore, so it was no surprise that he was entrusted with the mic duties. When he introduced John Snow, as a man ‘who reigns supreme at number eight’, he brought down the house. Nobody could tickle ‘em quite like Fluff, as various Stage Door Johnnies may confirm.

Snow was there by right. Half a century ago he was England’s premier fast bowler, and the years have added lustre to his reputation. He was joined that evening by Alvin Stardust, whose toe-tapper, Jealous Mind, had just reached No 1. To squeals of delight from members, who, in the words of one who was present, ‘turned the Long Room into the dance floor of the Wigan Casino’, Stardust performed his chart-topper, and threw in an earlier hit, My Coo-Ca-Choo, which EW Swanton, the noted cricket writer, denounced as ‘damned filth’.

The Duke of Edinburgh, meanwhile, who was about to enter his second term as club president, was so taken by Stardust’s turn that he invited him into the Committee Room that summer when England played India. The singer sat next to Gubby Allen, the grand old man of Lord’s, who was highly entertained by his guest’s tales of drink and fornication, ‘because it reminded me of tours wearing the club colours’.

Those were the days!

And, I’ll tell you what, pop-pickers, they’re coming back! Not arf! On March 21 there will be more ‘music and memories’ for MCC members to savour when three wise men join forces at the nursery end to present the annual Cowdrey Lecture. Let nobody persuade you the world’s most celebrated cricket club is not taking its responsibilities seriously.

James Anderson, who has taken more Test wickets (690) than any other fast bowler, opens the batting on this occasion. His partners, selected after a long search throughout every parish in the land, are Greg James and Felix White, whose records require no embellishment.

James, capped more than 100 times by England, brought pleasure to cricket-lovers the world over. ‘Chalky’ White never played Test cricket but, as a Somerset stalwart, he adorned the county game for two decades, and in retirement wrote a highly amusing memoir, ‘It’s Imperial To Me’, which is available in all good public lavatories.

Mmm. James is a disc jockey, it seems, and White strums a guitar. Along with Anderson, who is there to supply a touch of veritas, they answer to the name of ‘Tailenders’, and put out a podcast about cricket which, MCC assures us, is amusing ‘and occasionally profound’. Five letters, beginning with I.

Let’s take a gentle stroll down the years. Richie Benaud gave the first Cowdrey Lecture, bearing the name of Baron Cowdrey of Tonbridge, in 2001. That wasn’t a bad start for an address which takes ‘the spirit of the game’ as its premise.

Since then the speakers have been Barry Richards, Sunil Gavaskar, Clive Lloyd, Geoffrey Boycott, Martin Crowe, Christopher Martin-Jenkins, Desmond Tutu, Adam Gilchrist, Imran Khan, Kumar Sangakkara, Tony Greig, Simon Taufel, Ian Botham, Rod Marsh, Brendon McCullum, Brian Lara, Dave Richardson, Mike Brearley, Stephen Fry, and Andrew Strauss.

Not a bad list.

What do you think the three wise men will add to the conversation? Anderson should have a thing or two to say, though professional sportsmen tend to observe a code of omerta. But what will the DJ and the strummer contribute beyond a joke or two? Stuart Broad, we are assured, will be on hand to exchange a few barbs with his old pal, but shouldn’t MCC be aiming a bit higher? This is not an address in keeping with the club’s traditions. It’s light entertainment, with a stress on the adjective.

It's all of a piece with the determination of the club hierarchy to present MCC, Lord’s and cricket in general with a cosier image. There is a place for that, but the Cowdrey Lecture surely offers an opportunity for serious reflection rather than two hours of gurning by rote. It’s not as if nothing is going on in the world of cricket.

They’ve missed a trick, though. If it’s light entertainment they’re after then an evening like this was made for Isa Guha and Alex Hartley, Jimmy Clitheroe’s little sister, who could take us all ‘downtown’ (Pet Clark, 1964). What a hit that was. It reigned supreme at No 1 on the Billboard Hot 100, as British acts stormed the US!

So enjoy the evening, fellow MCC members. And don’t forget the coathangers, to enhance your smiles. Compulsory jollity will be the order of the day. Woe betide those folk who don’t split their sides when ‘Jimmy’ and ‘Broady’ embroider tales of ‘Swanny’ and ‘Cookie’.

I shall be in the Red Lion in Barnes, ‘where the customer is king’, and nothing profound is ever uttered. After the sixth pint I may lead the company in a rousing verse of My Coo-Ca-Choo. Swanton was right. It’s absolutely filthy.